


Quest for Love

by JessieMckay



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-15
Updated: 2020-08-15
Packaged: 2021-03-06 05:08:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,995
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25917847
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JessieMckay/pseuds/JessieMckay
Summary: How far would Rodney go to save the one he loves
Relationships: Carson Beckett/Rodney McKay
Comments: 1
Kudos: 9





	Quest for Love

**Author's Note:**

  * For [McHammy](https://archiveofourown.org/users/McHammy/gifts).



“Don’t do this Carson, you should think of…”

The radio went dead and Rodney slammed his fist down on the console, looking at John anxiously. He crossed his fingers and legs and his toes, praying to a god he didn’t even believe existed.   
An hour earlier he had been heading fishing with Carson, when there was an explosion by the gate room.

“I must tell you something later Carson, meet me at mine at 6”

“6 o clock” he smiled, rushing off with a wave of the hand. 

He should have told him there and then, maybe now he’d be saving his own skin instead…No he wouldn’t, Carson was too compassionate and put everyone’s safety before his own. He was a true hero in every way, though he denied it.

“I jus do ma job lad” he would purr, in that thick drawl of his.

Rodney never expected a man to affect him this much, especially a kind and caring voodoo witch doctor of all people.   
The explosion shook the tower, as Rodney raced in the direction of the temporary infirmary that had been set up on the pier. He got there first, his eyes flitting round the minimal rubble and saw the nurse and patient being wheeled away. The dead marine was by the tank, half his face blown away. He worked half way between them and saw a white doctors coat, poking out from beneath a load of supplies and rubble.  
He dug with his bare hands and got to him, turning him on his back and checking his pulse. There was a faint pulse and he felt Carson’s blood on his hands. Half his face was burned, his eyes were open but the sparkle had gone and he was growing cold. Rodney pulled off his jacket and wrapped it round him, pulling him into his lap. 

“Carson don’t you dare die, we need medical here now” he shouted

“R’ney, it’s nae…” began Carson, coughing and a dribble of blood ran down his chin

“Hang on for a bit Carson, we have a meeting in a couple of hours”

“…nae good” mumbled Carson, as his eyes closed and Rodney hugged him gently as he flopped against him

Dr Biro rushed over with two nurses, as they checked him and she shook her head as they scanned him.

“I am sorry Rodney he is gone, there was too much damage”

“No, no” he shouted, laying him down gently and stroking his hair. 

He stormed off down the pier and kicked some rubble into the water below angrily.

“Rodney I am sorry for…”

“Leave me alone” he snapped angrily, as John turned and left.

An hour later he headed down to the morgue, feeling a huge emptiness inside that was once filled by Carson’s friendship. Rodney sat by Carson, holding his hand and staring into the distance unblinkingly. John came in 6 hours later, to see him still in the same position.

“Mckay, hey Rodney its late and time to go”

He expected a fight, though Rodney stood up and patted Carson’s hand. He headed off in silence, John found this unnerving.  
The next morning Rodney rose early, it had all seemed like a bad dream. The cuts on his hands were sore and red, as he bent them slowly. The pain helped, it kept him from thinking this was all a nightmare. He took a sip of water, the thought of food make him feel sick. He showered and headed to the morgue, seeing that Carson’s body had been cleaned and was being preserved by one of the ancient machines. He sat by him, taking his hand and sighed.

“Why did you have to do it Carson?”

“Because he was a hero” said Dr Biro, as she came over and put a hand on Rodney’s shoulder

“Look where that got him, he had no business transporting tumours it wasn’t his job.”

“He didn’t want anyone else to take the risk, you knew him better then most of us here Dr Mckay. You are not looking well, have you eaten since yesterday?”

“No, I can’t” he mumbled

“Let’s go check your blood sugars, if I am happy you may come back”

“I don’t care if they are low” he scoffed

“You will fall into a coma and die, you know this.”

“As I said before, I don’t care” he muttered. “I lost the only person that understands me because my scientists touched a device, they had no business touching. If I don’t babysit them every second of every day, bad things happen. It’s my fault Carson is dead; don’t you bloody get it.”

He shouted the last few words, as he got up feeling woozy and collapsed to the floor.

Elisabeth sat in the office dabbing at her eyes, as she tried to write Carson’s memorial speech. Of all the people on the mission, she never expected to lose him.   
There was a knock, as she looked up.

“Come in” she sniffed, wiping her eyes again

John entered and he sat in the chair opposite, as he rubbed his forehead.

“I can’t believe it” he mumbled, “the whole city is in mourning and Dr Biro has just informed me that Mckay blames himself.”

“Why would Rodney blame himself?” asked Elisabeth

“Because it was his two scientists, that activated the machine and caused the tumours. He was just admitted to the infirmary, he’s had a huge hypoglycaemic attack and Dr Biro has asked for Dr Heightmeyer to get involved.”

“I believe her services will be greatly needed in the next few days; are there any missions we must attend tomorrow.”

“Actually, just one with PXR 212. There is a colony of natives and they have a good crop; it was a very nutritious vegetable and we were providing them with medical treatment.”

“Can Dr Biro do what is needed?” asked Elisabeth

“Yes and they will only deal with Mckay too, they don’t trust military and they have an understanding with him.”

“Ok well I will go see Rodney, see if he is up to it and Dr Biro too. She hates to go off world and she is worse with a gun then…”

Elisabeth stopped biting her lip, as she stood up and turned to the window. John went over and pulled her into a hug, as she burst into tears and John felt two run silently down his face.  
She stood on the pier the next day, looking round at the groups of the expedition. The scientists, the doctors, the military and the smaller groups. There were a lot of wet eyes and a soft sobbing, as she read her prepared speech. She had asked Rodney to say something and he had agreed, reading a speech that left everyone who wasn’t in tears very near to or in tears. He looked stony faced and distance, his voice was strong and unwavering. Once he got off the stand, John saw his composure slip and he rushed away un-noticed.   
Rodney sat in his office, wracked with guilt and the sobs echoed round the office and John paused at the door. He wasn’t really good at this type of thing, as he turned and left. 

“Sorry Rodney, I can’t do this” he murmured.

He radioed Teyla, asking if she could go check on him and she agreed straight away. He turned to her, as she joined him at the door and she sighed.

“I have been very worried about him” said Teyla, “he’s not as ok as he makes out?”

“They were very good friends Teyla, ever since they met in Antarctica. He blames himself for Carson’s death, it is completely illogical.”

“I don’t think he is really thinking straight John and he is needed for the mission this afternoon.”

“Yes, we do need him, though if he can’t make it then we will have to delay the meeting.”

Rodney heard talking outside his room, as he dried his eyes and stood by the door. He heard John say they needed him; no-one had ever said that about him before. He opened the door and looked between John and Teyla questionably, as she turned to him.

“Rodney, we need to know if you feel up to the mission later, or we can reschedule it.”

“Yes, what time?” he said, in a washed-out voice.

“In the gate room at 2, you have a couple of hours to eat” said John

“Huh” he muttered and Teyla took his hand, as she pulled him between them and they headed down the corridor towards the canteen.

“I am going to get Radek to give me a course in puddle jumper repair, so I can fix them too” said John

Rodney looked at John sharply, as he shook his head.

“You leave the jumpers alone Colonel, last thing I need is you mucking up their circuits like Radek does.”

“Poor Radek, he’s just as smart as you though I thought.”

Rodney was now glaring at John, who seemed to ignore him and Teyla shook her head looking at them both fondly.

“Stop teasing Dr Mckay” said Teyla, as John laughed

“Ok no jumper repairs, what about some chair repairs.”

“You just do your job, sit in the chair and look pretty and leave the work to the brains of the mission.”

“Mckay, that was very insulting” said John

“Not my problem people say you look like a girl with your scruffy hair and your figure, people always are calling you a pretty boy behind your back.”

“Who says I look like a girl” he whined

“Don’t whinge at me Colonel, I am not interested” as they sat down with their food.

John was looking round the room moodily and Teyla sat eating, shaking her head and looking amused. This was where Carson who intervene normally, keeping them on a straight path and she wiped a falling tear away quickly.

“I must go, I must meet Ronan. Are you two going to behave, or do I find Elizabeth.”

Rodney and John were pouting, as she headed off.   
At 2 John, Rodney, Teyla and Ronan stood at the gate. There was also Dr Biro and Major Lorne, as the gate was activated. They all stepped through, as Rodney held the LSD in his hand and led the way in silence. John and the Major followed, followed by Dr Biro and Teyla and Ronan came last. 

“Major, are there rumours about me going round Atlantis?” asked John

“Rumours Sir” asked the Major, in confusion

“Yes, do people judge me on…on how I look before my ability?”

“I think you have proven yourself time and time again Sir, that people who know you don’t judge you that way.”

“Oh right, then there are people who judge me differently.”

“Yes and mostly…”

“Dr Mckay” said the village chief, “welcome back to our little village.”

“Chief Naras, its been a while” said Rodney, as he stepped forward and taking his shoulders and their heads pressed together.

“Dr Mckay, what is the matter. You are filled with pain and suffering, which will slowly destroy you. Matar, Runas, take Dr Mckay to the healer immediately and see if we can help.”

“It is really not necessary Chief Naras, we lost someone a few days ago and their death has affected us all.”

“Then a group purification is in order, come over to the fire. Where is Dr Beckett?” 

Rodney looked at the floor, as John stepped over.

“Dr Beckett was killed in an explosion, he saved his patient and lost his own life.”

“That is very sad and honourable, Dr Mckay a word in private before we join the others at the fire.”

He nodded and followed the Chief, as they got to a clearing.

“This must be hard on you Dr Mckay, did you ever confide in him your feelings?”

“I was going to a couple of hours after the explosion, I would do anything to get him back but it’s too late.”

“Maybe not Dr Mckay, there are tales here of a journey to retrieve a lover’s soul from the darkness when they die prematurely. He died as a hero, I can’t think of a more honourable way to go.”

“You are saying I could bring him back from the dead, that is impossible.”

“Improbable, not impossible. It may not work but there is a possibility it might.”

“What must I do?”

John sat round the fire, looking along the path the chief and Rodney had gone. 

“Do you normally let your team go wandering off alone with natives asked Dr Biro?”

“They are friends and allies but no not normally” said John

The visit was short and successful, a huge crop was given to them for very little medical help and assistance. Rodney seemed a bit happier, eating well at the feast before they returned to the ring and Chief Naras put a hand on his shoulder.

“See you soon” he said, as Rodney nodded and he rested a head to his.

“Soon?” asked John, in confusion

“Yes, I am returning tomorrow, for some time away from Atlantis. If I can’t get my head round things, then I will be returning to earth.”

“You’ll be leaving Atlantis” asked John shocked

“Yes if what I try fails, I will be leaving Atlantis.”

Everyone was checked over and after a debriefing, Rodney stayed behind and so did John.

“Mckay wants to leave Atlantis” said John, as Dr Weir looked up sharply.

“When? Why?” she said

“I can’t do this anymore; I am fed up of people getting killed around me. Carson was the final life I lose, no more. I am going back to the planet tomorrow and if I cant sort out my thoughts, then I will return to earth next week.”

“I can’t force you to stay Rodney” said Elisabeth, “though you will be missed.”

“Thank you for understanding Elisabeth” he said, turning and leaving the room.

John looked at her upset, as she shook her head.

“We can’t keep him here against his will John, he has every right to leave if he wishes.”

“I know, its just Atlantis with no Mckay sounds weird.”

“It does” she agreed.

Early the next morning, Rodney got to the morgue and pushed the trolley towards the jumper bay. He wheeled it into the jumper and began over riding all the systems, as he activated the stargate and then got in the pilot seat. 

“What you doing Mckay?” asked John, stepping into the jumper and looking at the trolley

He turned, shooting at John with the stunner and the third shot hit him and he fell to the floor.

“Sorry Colonel, I will not be stopped.”

He dragged him into the jumper bay, then went back to the jumper and flew out and through the ring.   
Rodney got to the village, to see the chief and the 4 women. They took Carson’s body into a cave and to a room, behind a waterfall and lay him on an altar. He was undressed, anointed with oils and a light blanket was lay over him. His chest was painted with signs and symbols, as Rodney looked at him sadly.

“I have a good feeling, for three days he has not really decomposed.”

“He was kept in a special machine to prevent that, what now?”

“Now you enter your quest, it will take everything you have to beat it and a bit more.”

“Ok I am ready” he said, as the chief shook his head.

“Strip off, you need anointing and painting like Dr Beckett and then you must lie beside him, before you take the sleeping draught. "We will make sure you are not disturbed, go get your lovers soul back.”

He did and lay by Carson, closing his eyes and taking his hand after taking the liquid. The world seemed to spin and he opened his eyes to find himself in the clearing. He was dressed in long white robes and he was glad he was not still naked.

“Rodney lad is that you” said a voice, as he turned to see Carson.

He looked uninjured and as good as he did, before the incident and he went over. 

“Carson, I have come to rescue you”

“Ma knight in shining armour” he smiled, as he looked round. “Where am I lad?”

“You are dead Carson, for three days now.”

“Dead” he said, “oh the explosion.”

“Yes we were too late, I couldn’t save you but I will this time.”

“No one knows what youse are doin lad, is it dangerous?”

“Yes, though we need you back. I need you back Carson, I love you.”

Carson gaped at Rodney, as he looked shy all of a sudden.

“It’s what I planned to tell you at 6 that night, I put it off for too long for fear we would be snubbed by the people of Atlantis.”

“I am not like this anymore Rodney, I have changed.”

He was suddenly burning up and Rodney stepped forward, feeling the flames burning him but he refused to let go of Carson again. He sat up sharply, checking his skin which felt hot but it wasn’t burned.

“You passed a test Dr Mckay, how was it?”

“Not too bad, will they all be like that?”

“Similar yes” as Rodney told him what had happened

“Sounds like a bravery test, there should be too more.”

He took another drink and went back under, as he found himself on top of a hill and a sword in his hand. There were figures approaching, as Carson sat his wrists chained to the floor. He tried to undo the chains, as they wouldn’t budge. He raised the sword, as he began fighting each approaching figure. Wraith, Genii, people they had met on other planets. Then it got harder, ford, Ronan, Teyla, Elisabeth and John. He paused but when he swung and axe at Carson, he didn’t have to think twice. The sword would not stop the axe and he blocked Carson with his back. The axe buried deep, as he cried out in pain and stabbed the sword through fake Johns stomach. He melted away, the cuffs fell off and he fell to the floor by Carson.

“Rodney no more, give up lad” said Carson

“I am no quitter Carson, not when it comes to you.”

He opened his eyes, the chief looking at him in concern and he sat up.

“You can eat and tell me about the test” he said

“I had to fight hundreds of people, some I knew well and others not so. I had to choose Carson over everyone, even John and the others of my team.”

“Loyalty challenge” he said

Rodney ate hungrily, as the chief smiled and sat by Carson.

“The one you are talking to in the dream scape is not the real Carson, anything you do or talk about he will not remember when you wake up.”

“Oh” said Rodney

“He will also be this badly scarred and injured, he won’t wake and be fine. He will have a lot of recovery and I believe the planet, is the best place for you to do this. If successful we can inform your people but he needs to stay here, for the length of his recovery.”

“Of course chief and thank you, I appreciate this very much.”

He drank the liquid and this time; Carson was not there straight away. He had to journey round the dreamscape and came across a wraith holding Carson in his clutches, as he stepped forward.

“Release him” said Rodney

“What will you give Dr Mckay if I do?”

“You can have anything you want?”

“Your research”

“Yes

“Your intellect”

“Yes”

“Your Atlantis codes”

He went to say yes, though the words stuck in his throat. That wasn’t loyal to the people of Atlantis, they wraith could control the galaxy and kill everyone.

“You leave him go and you can have me, to do with as you want. It’s all in here, in my mind and waiting for you. I won’t give you the codes but you could find them."

He had gotten closer and saw the flash of a blade and stepped in front of Carson. The blood ran down his front, the pain was intense and this time he didn’t wake up. Carson knelt by him, as he lay bleeding on his lap and Rodney reached out touching his cheek.

“I’d die for you Carson, that’s the truth.”

Carson’s tears ran down his face and his eyes shot open, as he saw a wound to his side.

“This time the challenge took a blood sacrifice and you paid it, Carson is breathing.”

Rodney sat up, flinching as he saw Carson’s chest rising and falling slowly.

“It worked” he said, as he slipped on a long robe.

A couple of days later Carson was transported to the village and laid in a tent, to get stronger and to wake up. Rodney attended to his every need, washing, feeding and treating his burns with a cream made from plants. He sat holding his hand, when there was a commotion outside and he went out with a staff.

“Rodney, where is Carson?” said John

“In here” he said, as Johns eyes travelled down the long brown robes.

John followed him in, as he saw Carson’s arms and legs wrapped in bandages and half his face covered in cream and a dressing.

“Rodney he….” John stopped, as Carson’s hand moved and he gaped at him. “Rodney, how the hell is he alive?”

“I went on a soul quest, he returned but he is still very ill. He must stay here to recover, no-one must know yet.”

“Ok” he said, as Rodney went back to treating his wounds and John watched in silence.

The chief came in, nodding at John and touching Rodney’s shoulder

“Go eat Rodney, I will sit a while.”

“Thank you chief” he said, as he patted Carson’s hand and headed out.

They got to the fire and John sat by Rodney, as he heard all about the quest.

“What a dangerous thing to do on your own Rodney, you should have told us.”

“I couldn’t risk you not allowing me to go through with it, what does Elisabeth think.”

“She is ready to ship you off to Dr Heightmeyer, she thinks you took Carson’s body for some weird native ritual.”

“What like some voodoo witch doctor” he snorted, as John smirked

“I suppose so” 

“John I don’t know how to say this but I am in love with Carson. I have been for a while and if we aren’t allowed or accepted on Atlantis…” he began

“Neither of you are military, so I don’t see the problem” he said, “it changes nothing to me and I think a lot of people will be happy to have Carson back. Can I bring the team tomorrow to visit, just for a short while.”

“Carson won’t be awake” he said, confused

“I meant to visit you, do you need anything?”

“I wouldn’t say no to some chocolate” he said

“Ok Mckay”

He patted his shoulder and left, as Rodney headed back to the tent.   
He slept on the floor by Carson’s bed, then went for a wash in the river the next morning. He was careful not to get the wound on his stomach wet, as he wrapped a blanket round his waist and slipped on a wrap. He walked topless and shoeless back to camp, enjoying the sun warming his skin and drying it. He rounded the corner, coming face to face with Teyla, John, Ronan and Elisabeth.

“Morning Rodney” said Elisabeth, as he nodded and gestured to the fire.

They all sat down and a woman came over and held out a top to Rodney and taking his robes.

“Thank you Sira” he said, as she smiled and headed off

“Who is that?” asked John

“She is my carer, cooks my food and does my washing.”

“Oh” said John, smirking

“Nothing like that, get your mind out the gutter” he snapped, as Teyla watched the children tugging Ronan’s hair playfully.

“It is so peaceful” said Teyla

“I love it here” he said, as they ate and he turned to them.

“Let’s go” he said, “I am due back at Carson’s side.”

They went to the tent and Rodney went in first, as the others followed and the chief turned to them.

“He mumbled your name Rodney, just now”

“Thank you chief” he said, as he took his shoulders and touched heads just before he left.

“You seem at home here Rodney, you will come back won’t you” said Elisabeth

“Not for a while, Carson has a lot of healing to do and these herbs and cuttings are what he needs, not drugs and needles.”

“R’ney” murmured Carson weakly

“Carson, hey open your eyes.”

“Donae thin I can” he said, as Rodney took his hand.

“Rest for a bit longer then” he said, as Carson turned slightly and relaxed back into the pillow.

It took another week, before Carson opened his eyes next and Rodney looked at him excitedly.

“R’ney, how am I alive?” he murmured

“I brought you back, it’s a long story”

Rodney filled him in on what had happened since the explosion, leaving out anything about his true feelings for Carson. He reached up touching the dressing and pulled his hand away quickly, demanding a mirror.

“No mirrors here Carson, we are on a planet not on Atlantis. Besides you have some healing to do. You don’t need to see yet; I am your doctor and you will do as your told.”

“I see” he murmured, “so I was dead”

“Yes for three days”

“Youse stole me from the morgue?”

“I guess I did” he said, “I was so angry at you for taking that tumour to the tank. Everyone was in tears at your memorial service, even the marines. I stood up and spoke, I thought…”

“You donae leave Atlantis, they need ya R’ney”

“No I won’t, not if you don’t want me to.”

He fell asleep, as Rodney slept by him that night. The next morning he got up, bringing fresh water to clean the burns and apply more cream.  
Carson was still so confused, as he watched Rodney seeing to his wounds. His hands were gentle and he efficiently did what was needed, not staring at the ugly wounds that marred his once perfectly smooth skin. He looked like a monster, as he felt a tear drop down his cheek and onto the cover. He saw Rodney look up startled and finished dressing his second arm, as he took his hands.

“Carson, please tell me what is wrong?”

“I am scarred for life, no-one is ever going to love me looking like this”

“Your alive Carson, that is all that matters” said Rodney

“Then I rather be dead” he said, lying down and turning away.

Rodney finished his leg dressings and put a hand on his shoulder.

“Carson, remember I was going to ask you something at 6 o clock that night?”

“Yes lad, what was it?” he mumbled, turning his way.

“I was going to ask you to come to mine for dinner, as a date”

“A date?” he asked, confused

“Yes, I hoped you liked me the way I like you.”

“You use to love me?” he asked, surprised

“No” said Rodney as his face fell, as he looked confused. “I am still in love with you Carson and a few scars won’t change that, do you understand?”

“I think I do, though how can you even look at me when..?” he began, as Rodney leant in and kissed the good side of his mouth.

“You are healing still or i’d be in that bed holding you and comforting you.”

“R’ney I didnae realise tha youse felt this way”

“I have known for a while, I just never had the courage to tell you.”

“I am glad you told me, so when can I go for a walk”

“I am not sure how strong you are; we can always get you out for a bit.”

That afternoon Rodney and Carson sat on a blanket eating, as some of the children from the tribe joined them. They didn’t ask questions or stare, they made flower wreaths and looked up when there were footsteps.  
John and Elisabeth came over, as there faces lit up when they saw Carson.

“You are awake” said Elisabeth, coming over and joining them.

“Yes feeling good for a dead man” he said, as Elisabeth grimaced. “Sorry, that was…”

“No it is fine Carson, we all had a hard time admitting you were gone and seeing you alive again it’s…”

Tears ran down her cheeks and John put an arm round her shoulders, pulling her into a hug.

“I am sorry Elisabeth, I didnae realise i was missed so” his breathing erratic

“I think you’ve had enough fresh air” said Rodney, “John a hand please as they helped him to his feet and back towards the tent.

He lay on his bed, as Rodney went to go and Carson took his arm.

“Stay with me please”

“Ok” he said, getting on the bed and holding Carson in a loose hug.

He lay against Rodney’s chest, closing his eyes and was soon breathing gently. Rodney stroked his hair, looking down at the Carson in his arms and realised he was the happiest man alive. 

Elisabeth came in, as the children followed and put the flower wreaths on the end of the bed and then headed off, in silence.

“You are in love with Carson?” Elisabeth asked Rodney

“Yes I am” he said. "I would do anything for him, even go to hell and back."

"You been there and done that, of what i heard" she smiled

"Yes i have, genius here after all."

"Yes you are" she smiled.


End file.
